{"id":2159,"date":"2021-10-12T09:00:44","date_gmt":"2021-10-12T16:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/?p=2159"},"modified":"2021-10-13T06:34:41","modified_gmt":"2021-10-13T13:34:41","slug":"thing-one-and-thing-two-maria-heck-pt-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/thing-one-and-thing-two-maria-heck-pt-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Thing One and Thing Two (Maria Heck, Pt 2)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Humpty Maria sat on a wall, Humpty Maria had a great fall\u2026\u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Several seasons of Real Housewives ago, I was on sabbatical.\u00a0 I was entertaining an inconvenient episode of breast cancer.<\/span><\/p>\n

When you first hear the word \u201ccancer\u201d you think \u201cOhhhh\u2026crap!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cPlease no not me!\u201d\u00a0 I discovered that those of a certain generation tend to whisper the word \u201ccancer\u201d the same way they mumble other taboo topics, such as \u201cmafia\u201d, \u201cbribery\u201d or \u201cextra-marital affairs.\u201d\u00a0 They seem to believe that if you say \u201ccancer\u201d out loud, you may catch it.\u00a0 Well, I\u2019m here to tell you that cancer is not contagious.\u00a0 Truly!<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, on the upside (yes, there is an upside), having cancer can get you stuff, and get you out of other stuff!\u00a0 For instance\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Obtaining a cleaning lady.\u00a0 While this tactic did not work for me, my husband did morph into a temporary Merry Maid!\u00a0 He stepped up to Swiffer and stepped down to scrub the floors.\u00a0 It was amazing.\u00a0 (Do not tell him I said that – I don\u2019t need him thinking I appreciate him at this late date).<\/span><\/p>\n

No fundraising! No volunteering! Who is going to ask a chick with breast cancer to sell cheesecakes or man a coin-drop?\u00a0 No one!\u00a0 Free pass!\u00a0 If asked, just say no!<\/span><\/p>\n

You can proclaim \u201cI have cancer and you have to do anything I say\u201d and get away with it.\u00a0 You can also utter pretty much any rude statement and get away with it. \u201cI have cancer, so you should pay for my lunch.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI am sure you understand, but my cancer prevents me from buying you a Christmas present this year.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI have cancer and you suck, and your haircut makes you look fat.\u201d\u00a0 In fact, anything goes!<\/span><\/p>\n

When people offer \u201cIf you need anything, just call\u201d you can say yes, every time!\u00a0 That\u2019s what they get for being so crazy-generous!\u00a0 That\u2019ll teach \u2018em.\u00a0 I made calls to have my car washed, my Christmas lights strung, and my dog\u2019s anal glands cleaned.\u00a0 A word of advice\u2026. when you say, \u201cIf you need anything\u2026\u201d, follow with the words \u201cexcept anything having to do with an animal\u2019s orifice.\u201d\u00a0 And, alas, no takers for my request of a mustache wax.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now this is dicey\u2026handicapped parking.\u00a0 Look, I was technically handicapped before this all started because I\u2019m freakishly short.\u00a0 My friend Denise insists that, by government standards, I\u2019m considered a small human and may qualify for government benefits.\u00a0 Who knew?\u00a0 That aside, many women would consider having no boobies where there was once a pair, somewhat of a pseudo-handicap!\u00a0 Be that as it may, I could not bring myself to park in that blue space.\u00a0 The one with that strange, blue stickman glaring up at me from his blacktop-flanked wheelchair.\u00a0 Primarily, this was because my legs were still functional.\u00a0 I do have some standards, you know!\u00a0 But, I did briefly toy with the idea of using the snazzy Jazzy Chair at Wal-Mart.\u00a0 That would\u2019ve been quite the time-saver, let me tell you.<\/span><\/p>\n

After losing \u201cThing One and Thing Two\u201d it\u2019s amazing how every inanimate object resembles ta-ta\u2019s.\u00a0 Also, how the word breast keeps slipping into conversation.\u00a0 For example, I said to my sister after the surgery, \u201dGosh, it\u2019s hard for me to take a deep breast\u2026I mean breath.\u201d\u00a0 On another occasion, \u201cI think I\u2019ll lie down and have a little breast\u2026er\u2026rest.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s just that when you\u2019ve had breasts since 1975, not having them takes some getting used to.\u00a0 You become almost obsessed with the size and shape of what was.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here are things that look like breasts to me now, yet never have before:<\/span><\/p>\n

A doorknob.<\/span><\/p>\n

A saltshaker (and possibly the pepper mill in a certain light).<\/span><\/p>\n

A truffle.<\/span><\/p>\n

Kiwi, of course, and even more so, an avocado.\u00a0 Actually, all fruit, except a banana.\u00a0 That resembles something else entirely.<\/span><\/p>\n

A water bottle.<\/span><\/p>\n

A jelly fish.<\/span><\/p>\n

Naturally, a baggie full of anything\u2026but especially Jell-O.<\/span><\/p>\n

An egg.\u00a0 Extra bonus points if it\u2019s sunny side up<\/span><\/p>\n

Well\u2026yes, it takes some getting used to, this loss of my milk cartons.\u00a0 But, if it\u2019s between looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and having cancer, Dough Boy it is.\u00a0 It\u2019s a very small price to pay for being cancer free.\u00a0 Having a radical mastectomy is no walk in the park but it is a gift when you\u2019re presented with a future without breast cancer.\u00a0 Happily, the day has come that I can now say; \u201cI HAD cancer, and you have to do anything I say\u201d.\u00a0 True, it doesn\u2019t have the same spark of urgency or pity\u2026but let\u2019s just hope it never does.<\/span><\/p>\n

All the king\u2019s horses and all the king\u2019s men put Maria back together again.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*Reprinted from\u00a0The Sunday Dispatch*<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Humpty Maria sat on a wall, Humpty Maria had a great fall\u2026\u2026\u00a0 Several seasons of Real Housewives ago, I was on sabbatical.\u00a0 I was entertaining an inconvenient episode of breast cancer. When you first hear the word \u201ccancer\u201d you think \u201cOhhhh\u2026crap!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cPlease no not me!\u201d\u00a0 I discovered that those of a certain generation tend to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[35],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2159","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2159","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2159"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2159\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2164,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2159\/revisions\/2164"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2159"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2159"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2159"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}