{"id":2161,"date":"2021-10-19T09:00:02","date_gmt":"2021-10-19T16:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/?p=2161"},"modified":"2021-10-20T06:07:20","modified_gmt":"2021-10-20T13:07:20","slug":"laverne-and-shirleymaria-heck-pt-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/laverne-and-shirleymaria-heck-pt-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Laverne and Shirley\t(Maria Heck, Pt 3)"},"content":{"rendered":"

I really thought I\u2019d completed all parts of the puzzle that is breast cancer\u2026.finally!\u00a0 I am now a new and improved version of my old self.\u00a0 Well, one puzzle piece is, anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

I must say that the people around me were reverent, sympathetic, and respectful when speaking about my breast cancer. But the same can\u2019t be said about my cancer-free spare parts on which many were outspoken, opinionated and forthright, especially when it came to their size.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am someone who is extremely open about their life, and breast cancer was no exception.\u00a0 I know that many people may not choose to share their story with the PTA, the crossing guard or the guy that is snaking their toilet.\u00a0 For me, talking about cancer at every opportunity is the way I roll.\u00a0 And, to the woman in front of me at the grocery store, sorry that I gave you a blow-by-blow description of my mastectomy when all you asked was if the cantaloupe was ripe.\u00a0 To know me is to choose another check-out line, I guess.\u00a0 I inserted my cancer into every possible scenario and conversation.\u00a0 This made the whole mess much less terrifying for me.<\/span><\/p>\n

The next step in the process was Rack Reconstruction.\u00a0 I have to say, everyone from my father to the gas station attendant, had an opinion about the size of my future cupage.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing how forthcoming everyone was with advice about my body parts!\u00a0 I made it very clear to everyone that my new additions would be more the size of kiwis than, say, grapefruits.\u00a0 If this was my one chance to have something appear young, perky and untouched by childbirth, then, by God, smaller fruit was the way to go.\u00a0 My father was so disappointed in me. \u201cI don\u2019t get it\u201d he would say, head shaking slowly from side to side. \u201cDon\u2019t you want something a little more substantial? I mean, this is your chance to get a good pair of aces!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cDad!\u201d I screeched.\u00a0 \u201dYuck! Stop talking to me about this!\u00a0 I told you, small and perky.\u00a0 Small and perky, dammit!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

While no one really understood my preference, that didn\u2019t stop random acquaintances from gesturing and declaring their hypothesis on the situation.\u00a0 In fact, I imagined that everyone was sizing me up! The poor man at the corn-on-the-cob stand, for example.\u00a0 He was merely putting corn in a bag, yet I imagined he was weighing-in on my perceived size!\u00a0 And, I yelled at a Little League coach as he was examining errant baseballs: \u201cHey! That\u2019s too big! Too big for me!\u201d\u00a0 The poor man was simply doing what every man does, innocently holding his balls.\u00a0 My brother, sisters, cousins, hairdresser, and the lady at the dry cleaner, all offered their unsolicited measurement advice.\u00a0 Some of this was creepy, but some helpful.\u00a0 Even my surgeon was skeptical about my decision.\u00a0 I doubt that in his entire career he has ever had a woman walk into his office and ask to \u201cgo smaller\u201d.\u00a0 It was a novelty.\u00a0 I was concerned that implants didn\u2019t even come in the size I envisioned: XX small. They may have had to special order them from the Land of Oz.\u00a0 But thankfully, that is what arrived on Implant Day; the perfect kiwis.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The surgery went swimmingly\u2026.except for one small detail.\u00a0 Due to the damage to my underlying tissue, the surgeon had to utilize a little something they call \u201cdonor tissue.\u201d\u00a0 This fills the space left vacant by my old package.\u00a0 I had no wish to know from where this donor tissue came.\u00a0 Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?\u00a0 Can I wear it in my hair?\u00a0 Do I dare?\u00a0 Does it come from a face?\u00a0 Or outer space?\u00a0 Was it last attached to a dog?\u00a0 A cat?\u00a0 A frog?\u00a0 A pollywog?\u00a0 Can you buy it at a store?\u00a0 The shore?\u00a0 Will it make me snore?\u00a0 I know it made me sore. (Perhaps the tissue\u2019s donor was a direct descendant of Dr. Seuss?)\u00a0 In fact, it may very well be tissue from a swine.\u00a0 So, if you see me at Agolino\u2019s sporting a snout, a curly tail and bleating just ignore me.\u00a0 And hide your bacon.\u00a0 It may hurt my feelings.<\/span><\/p>\n

Once again, I\u2019d like to plead to all my wonderful female readers: please, please, please high tail it to your yearly mammograms.\u00a0 Remember, you can be proactive and save your life, or be lackadaisical and risk an early end.\u00a0 Early detection certainly saved my life.\u00a0 And, by the way, my new girlfriends have names.\u00a0 I toyed with a few ideas: Lucy and Ethel, Veronica and Betty, Ginger and Mary Ann, Cagney and Lacey, Thelma and Louise.\u00a0 Trust me; it\u2019s much easier to get through a health crisis when you attach names to your body parts.\u00a0 Don\u2019t ask me why\u2026..I would have to come up with an explanation.<\/span><\/p>\n

You will be glad to know that I am doing alright.\u00a0 In fact, we are all alright\u2026.Laverne, Shirley and me!<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*Reprinted from\u00a0The Sunday Dispatch*<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I really thought I\u2019d completed all parts of the puzzle that is breast cancer\u2026.finally!\u00a0 I am now a new and improved version of my old self.\u00a0 Well, one puzzle piece is, anyway. I must say that the people around me were reverent, sympathetic, and respectful when speaking about my breast cancer. But the same can\u2019t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[35],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2161","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2161","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2161"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2161\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2165,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2161\/revisions\/2165"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2161"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2161"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bethechoice.org\/fr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2161"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}